http://truecampaign.org/index.php en info@truecampaign.org Copyright 2012 2012-05-04T02:26:00-06:00 http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/recovery_is/ http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/recovery_is/#When:03:26:00Z By Valerie Cunningham Today is my 6th anniversary in recovery from my Eating Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa. This date represents so much more to me than eating three square meals a day. Rather, it symbolizes new life, freedom, and truth. However, of the last six years, this past one has by far been the most challenging. That’s probably why I am finding it so difficult to find something worth celebrating. In anticipation of this anniversary, I have spent many moments contemplating the last 365 days, and what good I could draw from them. As this day approached, I have experienced feelings of deep regret and downright sadness that this last year was such a struggle. The lows certainly outweighed the highs. Eating Disorder thoughts flew rampant and temptation to give into old behaviors and habits were prevalent. In many ways, I felt that my failures were a reflection of me and were a detriment to my recovery, of which I have fought so diligently.  By Valerie Cunningham Today is my 6th anniversary in recovery from my Eating Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa. This date represents so much more to me than eating three square meals a day. Rather, it symbolizes new life, freedom, and truth. However, of the last six years, this past one has by far been the most challenging. That’s probably why I am finding it so difficult to find something worth celebrating. In anticipation of this anniversary, I have spent many moments contemplating the last 365 days, and what good I could draw from them. As this day approached, I have experienced feelings of deep regret and downright sadness that this last year was such a struggle. The lows certainly outweighed the highs. Eating Disorder thoughts flew rampant and temptation to give into old behaviors and habits were prevalent. In many ways, I felt that my failures were a reflection of me and were a detriment to my recovery, of which I have fought so diligently. Last week, I shared these sentiments with my trustworthy dietician, and without missing a beat, she reinforced some truths about recovery. It is important not to have the expectation that recovery is perfect. It isn’t black or white, or all-or-nothing. She reminded me that even when I dabbled in some unhealthy choices this past year, I owned it instead of minimizing it. I was assertive, which in the end only supported my recovery. That’s what recovery is about. The silver lining of recovery is that when you notice those Eating Disorder behaviors crop up, you ask yourself, “What do I need to do about this?” This year I had a harder time holding on to health and the belief that recovery is possible. But in the end, I didn’t let go. Recovery is about the process, not the product; it is about progress, not perfection. Thankfully, today my perspective is clearer than it has been the past several weeks, due to the sage counsel from my dietician. I am also forever grateful for the handful of friends, who not only commemorate the significance of May 3rd, but have faithfully been my cheerleaders as I continue on this race. Six years ago today, as I tearfully entered the halls of the treatment facility, I came face to face with a plaque inscribed with this verse from Philippians 1:6:  “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.” Amen. 2012-05-04T03:26:00-06:00 http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/size_matters/ http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/size_matters/#When:16:06:00Z By Valerie Cunningham In an attempt to get back on track with my recovery, I realized that I needed to reverse some decisions that I had made while flirting with ED. (see previous article entitled “Flirting with ED”) During that time, I had been in the market for some new jeans (that is an entirely different article of its own). I automatically went for the size that I had been wearing, only to find that they didn’t fit as they should.  Although a little voice in my head suggested otherwise, I was tempted to try on a smaller size, and when that pair was adequate, I felt myself quickly being entranced by ED’s magical spell. Going against my better judgment – my wise mind – I allowed myself to be persuaded to purchase not one, but two pairs of jeans in a size that I had no business wearing. I justified it (but it’s such a great sale, even if I only wear them a few times it will be worth the cost), qualified it (this is just a case of the fashion industry changing their sizing in a ploy to make us feel better about our bodies), and made every other excuse in the book that this was perfectly acceptable.  By Valerie Cunningham In an attempt to get back on track with my recovery, I realized that I needed to reverse some decisions that I had made while flirting with ED. (see previous article entitled “Flirting with ED”) During that time, I had been in the market for some new jeans (that is an entirely different article of its own). I automatically went for the size that I had been wearing, only to find that they didn’t fit as they should.  Although a little voice in my head suggested otherwise, I was tempted to try on a smaller size, and when that pair was adequate, I felt myself quickly being entranced by ED’s magical spell. Going against my better judgment – my wise mind – I allowed myself to be persuaded to purchase not one, but two pairs of jeans in a size that I had no business wearing. I justified it (but it’s such a great sale, even if I only wear them a few times it will be worth the cost), qualified it (this is just a case of the fashion industry changing their sizing in a ploy to make us feel better about our bodies), and made every other excuse in the book that this was perfectly acceptable. Days, even weeks, after the purchase, I continued to be haunted by that still small voice I had ignored in the dressing room that winter day. I felt incredibly guilty over the purchase and knew in my heart of hearts that I had made a huge mistake. I knew better… I really did. What was I thinking? How was this purchase going to help my recovery? After some solid counsel and encouragement from my dietician, a moment of clarity hit: I needed to return those jeans. I needed to eliminate them from my closet and feel no regret. They weren’t doing me any good. They were a silent lure living on a hanger, only keeping me stuck in my disease.  Thankfully, the jeans had not been worn. And today, there is no trace of them, except for the credit on my little plastic card.  Coming from a gal who loves to shop and loves a good sale, this was the best purchase I had ever made. It taught me an important lesson:  size does matter. 2012-03-19T16:06:00-06:00 http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/the_gift/ http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/the_gift/#When:17:00:00Z By Valerie Cunningham I sat on the couch in the office of my dietician, anxious to hear her thoughts. During my last appointment some concern was raised, as I had recently fallen back into some unhealthy eating disorder behaviors. So this session was an important one.  Something needed to change – and quickly. She asked me how I was doing and I responded that I had been more consistent with my eating than I had been in the months prior. Intrigued, she queried as to what had changed. I sat there shaking my head, as to imply that nothing had changed. And then, after a long pause, I uttered these magic words:  “What has changed is that I am hungry.” I thought she was going to jump out of her chair at the sound of those simple words. And for the next thirty minutes she shared with me what a gift – a blessing – it was that I was feeling hunger again.  By Valerie Cunningham I sat on the couch in the office of my dietician, anxious to hear her thoughts. During my last appointment some concern was raised, as I had recently fallen back into some unhealthy eating disorder behaviors. So this session was an important one.  Something needed to change – and quickly. She asked me how I was doing and I responded that I had been more consistent with my eating than I had been in the months prior. Intrigued, she queried as to what had changed. I sat there shaking my head, as to imply that nothing had changed. And then, after a long pause, I uttered these magic words:  “What has changed is that I am hungry.” I thought she was going to jump out of her chair at the sound of those simple words. And for the next thirty minutes she shared with me what a gift – a blessing – it was that I was feeling hunger again.  That afternoon was a pivotal one, as I was reminded that hunger is my friend. To be hungry means that my body is working, functioning as it should. I was reassured that to feel hunger is normal, a God-given gift. My dietician explained that it is a natural response for the body, during stressful times, to have a reduced appetite. No appetite plus a history of anorexic tendencies equals a possible relapse. So the fact that I was experiencing hunger pangs and tummy growlings was the first step in getting back on track with my recovery. Hunger had prompted my motivation to eat again, and that was a wonderful thing. Lastly, she applauded me for exercising self-care (something we talk about a lot). By honoring the most basic need of survival, I was taking care of myself. I am ever so grateful that my body eventually kicked into gear, and that I honored the hunger instead of denying it, which would have only prolonged my suffering. When in doubt, don’t fight the hunger.  Accept the gift.  2012-02-20T17:00:00-06:00 http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/flirting_with_ed/ http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/flirting_with_ed/#When:05:21:01Z By Valerie Cunningham In the past couple of months, I have hit a glitch in my 5+ years of recovery from my Eating Disorder. What was moving along quite seamlessly, with only a few minor bumps along the way, was now in jeopardy. If immediate change didn’t take place, my “textbook” (as my dietician called it) recovery was heading toward the danger zone with the potential for relapse. I like to call this chapter of my recovery “Flirting with ED”. (ED is simply an abbreviation for Eating Disorder. I prefer to think of my Eating Disorder as another person, and naming it helps to put a face, if you will, to this very real disease.) When I went into treatment five years and eight and a half months ago, the thought of ever running back into the arms of ED was the farthest thing from my mind. It simply wasn’t an option. I had divorced ED and never wanted to see his face again. But in recent months, the temptation to rekindle my love affair with ED has been strong.  By Valerie Cunningham In the past couple of months, I have hit a glitch in my 5+ years of recovery from my Eating Disorder. What was moving along quite seamlessly, with only a few minor bumps along the way, was now in jeopardy. If immediate change didn’t take place, my “textbook” (as my dietician called it) recovery was heading toward the danger zone with the potential for relapse. I like to call this chapter of my recovery “Flirting with ED”. (ED is simply an abbreviation for Eating Disorder. I prefer to think of my Eating Disorder as another person, and naming it helps to put a face, if you will, to this very real disease.) When I went into treatment five years and eight and a half months ago, the thought of ever running back into the arms of ED was the farthest thing from my mind. It simply wasn’t an option. I had divorced ED and never wanted to see his face again. But in recent months, the temptation to rekindle my love affair with ED has been strong. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to marry ED and be committed to him forever. I didn’t even want to date him. However, the idea of flirting with ED, in order to cope with my current pain and feelings of desperation, was enticing. Yet what I have found is that flirting can lead to dangerous consequences. What starts out as harmless, like exercising an extra ten minutes or forgoing that necessary snack, can eventually become so intriguing that it seduces you back into his arms – ED’s arms. And before you know it, you are exercising more than you should and completely skipping meals. Once back in ED’s tremendously strong clutch, it is incredibly difficult to break free. Not impossible, mind you---just a grueling task.  Is it worth it? Is it worth it to dance with the enemy for a fleeting moment of euphoria, only to be left wanting more? My conclusion is this:  No, it is not worth it. The cost is much too high. So today, I recommit myself to recovery. 2012-01-23T05:21:01-06:00 http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/lessons_from_lucy/ http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/lessons_from_lucy/#When:16:29:01Z By Valerie Cunningham I’m not a big TV lover, but I do appreciate some of the classics of yesteryear. Lately, one of my guilty pleasures has been to tune in to re-runs of the ever-popular 1950’s sitcom, “I Love Lucy.” I remember watching it when I was a youngster home sick from school (or just playing hooky.) Recently I flipped upon it and it has become a semi-regular, 22-minute comical escape from the real world. Lucy, the fiery red head, and her blonde partner-in-crime, Ethel, always find themselves in a mess; yet creatively manage to wiggle their way out. A couple of weeks ago, an episode caught my attention. It began with Ricky, Ethel, and Fred talking about how over the years they had put on a few pounds. Lucy denied that such a thing had happened to her, and demanded that a scale be brought out into the middle of the living room floor just to prove her point. Her husband and friends were happy to oblige, and much to her chagrin, Lucy had indeed gained some weight since her wedding day 10 years prior. By Valerie Cunningham I’m not a big TV lover, but I do appreciate some of the classics of yesteryear. Lately, one of my guilty pleasures has been to tune in to re-runs of the ever-popular 1950’s sitcom, “I Love Lucy.” I remember watching it when I was a youngster home sick from school (or just playing hooky.) Recently I flipped upon it and it has become a semi-regular, 22-minute comical escape from the real world. Lucy, the fiery red head, and her blonde partner-in-crime, Ethel, always find themselves in a mess; yet creatively manage to wiggle their way out. A couple of weeks ago, an episode caught my attention. It began with Ricky, Ethel, and Fred talking about how over the years they had put on a few pounds. Lucy denied that such a thing had happened to her, and demanded that a scale be brought out into the middle of the living room floor just to prove her point. Her husband and friends were happy to oblige, and much to her chagrin, Lucy had indeed gained some weight since her wedding day 10 years prior. As to be expected, Lucy devised a plan to loose the weight, in order to fit into a particular size costume, so that she could be featured in Ricky’s upcoming show. She’s had 5 days to do it. Running laps around the floor of her New York City apartment building, dining on celery leaves, and spending the day in a steam room to sweat the pounds away, Lucy eventually squeezes into the sequin-studded ditty and makes her grand appearance in the show, only to be carried away on a stretcher and ordered to 3 weeks in bed, due to malnutrition and exhaustion.  How many times do we fall for crazy diet schemes and desperate measures in order to fulfill a weight loss goal? How many times have we been determined to fit into that bridesmaid dress or look “just so” for that ever-so-important reunion? How many times have we refused to buy a certain item of clothing because we simply would not be caught dead wearing that size? Sure, Lucy’s plan worked, temporarily, but she would quickly have long-term consequences to deal with.  What I found so interesting with all of this is that before there was any mention of weight, Lucy was perfectly fine with her size. As a matter of fact, she didn’t believe that she had put on any pounds. She was comfortable in her skin, completely satisfied, until…the dreaded scale and unrealistic sized costume made their way into her life. It is so easy to get caught up in what others (society, the media, fashion designers) say we should weigh or what size we should wear. What will it take for us to learn the lesson to be comfortable in our own skin, regardless of what the scale says or what number is printed on the tag of our clothing? Lessons from Lucy. I’m sure there will be more. Stay tuned… 2011-11-14T16:29:01-06:00 http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/whats_a_calorie/ http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/whats_a_calorie/#When:17:24:00Z By Valerie Cunningham There we were, standing in the checkout line at the grocery story, when my almost 9 year old daughter asked, “What’s a calorie?” Trying not to over-react, I calmly replied, “Excuse me, what did you say?” She then pointed out the bold advertisement on the seemingly innocent box of popscicles we were purchasing. Despite my well meaning attempts to shelter and protect her from words like calorie, fat grams, and gluten, among others, inevitably the day would come when she would hear or read them. And in my opinion, that day came too soon. I’m hyper-vigiliant when it comes to anything related to eating and body image issues, most obviously because I was held captive to my Eating Disorder for more than two decades.  By Valerie Cunningham There we were, standing in the checkout line at the grocery story, when my almost 9 year old daughter asked, “What’s a calorie?” Trying not to over-react, I calmly replied, “Excuse me, what did you say?” She then pointed out the bold advertisement on the seemingly innocent box of popscicles we were purchasing. Despite my well meaning attempts to shelter and protect her from words like calorie, fat grams, and gluten, among others, inevitably the day would come when she would hear or read them. And in my opinion, that day came too soon. I’m hyper-vigiliant when it comes to anything related to eating and body image issues, most obviously because I was held captive to my Eating Disorder for more than two decades. The word calorie was one I knew at an early age and it was a “bad” word. There was nothing good associated with it. I remember a little calorie-counter book that lived in the junk drawer of our kitchen in my childhood home. I had memorized every calorie for every item in that book, well before my Eating Disorder began to play out in my life.  It took a lot --- treatment, therapy, and learning to eat intuitively --- but thankfully, today I don’t view the word calorie as “bad”. In simple terms, it means energy. Necessary energy to fuel my body to perform and function the way God intended it to. That day is not far off, when I will have to sit my daughter down and have a painfully honest conversation of what I went through and the bondage I was in for all of those years. But until then, the answer to that premature question is, “Nothing you need to know about now….nothing at all.” 2011-10-17T17:24:00-06:00 http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/the_voice/ http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/the_voice/#When:15:20:01Z By Valerie Cunningham I’ve been hearing the voice. It is very subtle, oh so sly, and barely audible, but the voice is there. It whispers when I rise in the morning, and when I get dressed. It calls out my name when I step into the kitchen and open up the cupboards and the fridge. It beckons me when I try to schedule an outing that might involve food. That voice is the voice of my Eating Disorder trying to lure me into its clutch again.  The Eating Disorder says things like, “You won’t feel so out of control if you start doing things my way again,” and “It will make you feel so much better to just numb out by restricting,” and “Nobody will notice or even care if you start manipulating your food intake and cutting down on your portion size.” At this very moment those three statements feel so true. And I must admit, very tempting. By Valerie Cunningham I’ve been hearing the voice. It is very subtle, oh so sly, and barely audible, but the voice is there. It whispers when I rise in the morning, and when I get dressed. It calls out my name when I step into the kitchen and open up the cupboards and the fridge. It beckons me when I try to schedule an outing that might involve food. That voice is the voice of my Eating Disorder trying to lure me into its clutch again.  The Eating Disorder says things like, “You won’t feel so out of control if you start doing things my way again,” and “It will make you feel so much better to just numb out by restricting,” and “Nobody will notice or even care if you start manipulating your food intake and cutting down on your portion size.” At this very moment those three statements feel so true. And I must admit, very tempting. But in my heart of hearts---in my wise mind---I know they are lies. I know that what the Eating Disorder provides is a false sense of control, and in actuality, would create a more out-of-control feeling. I know that numbing out by not eating just does a gross disservice to myself and those around me. And lastly, though often difficult to accept, I know that there are people who do care about me and would notice the shift in my behavior. As I sit here and ponder, the lyrics of a popular song by the contemporary Christian band, Casting Crowns, comes to mind. The chorus sings: But the Voice of truth tells me a different story The Voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid” And the Voice of truth says, “This is for My glory” But of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe The Voice of truth Jesus said, “And the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32) Whose voice are you going to listen to today? 2011-09-19T15:20:01-06:00 http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/trust/ http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/trust/#When:16:09:00Z By Valerie Cunningham Sitting at the table eating lunch together, my eight-year-old daughter asked, “Mama, when are we going rock wall climbing again?” This was not a random question. You see, every year my husband, daughter, and a couple of close friends and I celebrate my anniversary in recovery from my Eating Disorder by going rock wall climbing. I had never before been rock wall climbing until I was in treatment. One morning they marched us out to the rock wall for this physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional exercise. It was a life-changing experience that I will never forget. Thus, every year on my anniversary, I commemorate my recovery by trying to re-create this unforgettable moment. It had only been four months since our last climb, so we still had some time to go before our next venture. I proceeded to explain this to my girl, and then added, “You know, I get really scared rock wall climbing. It frightens me.” By Valerie Cunningham Sitting at the table eating lunch together, my eight-year-old daughter asked, “Mama, when are we going rock wall climbing again?” This was not a random question. You see, every year my husband, daughter, and a couple of close friends and I celebrate my anniversary in recovery from my Eating Disorder by going rock wall climbing. I had never before been rock wall climbing until I was in treatment. One morning they marched us out to the rock wall for this physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional exercise. It was a life-changing experience that I will never forget. Thus, every year on my anniversary, I commemorate my recovery by trying to re-create this unforgettable moment. It had only been four months since our last climb, so we still had some time to go before our next venture. I proceeded to explain this to my girl, and then added, “You know, I get really scared rock wall climbing. It frightens me.” “Well, you are locked in to the rope. If you fall, it will catch you,” she said, quite confidently.  “It’s the rope I don’t trust!” I exclaimed.  “Well mom, then you just need to trust God. He will protect you. And if something did happen, then at least you’ll go to heaven!” Wow! I was blown away by the wisdom in this little girl’s words. Moreover, I was amazed by her faith. She was right. I did just need to trust God. This got me thinking. What other things did I just need to trust God in? My finances, my relationships, my recovery and issues with food… My list continues to grow.  Jesus said in Matthew 17:20, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” It is so easy to go through the motions of the day, without giving a second thought that the Creator of the Universe has us in the palm of His hand, regardless of whether we are rock wall climbing or washing dishes. Just trust God. Out of the mouths of babes. 2011-08-29T16:09:00-06:00 http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/progress_report_8_7_11/ http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/progress_report_8_7_11/#When:17:24:00Z By Valerie Cunningham In a recent support group meeting for Eating Disorders, we talked about PROGRESS.   It is so easy to get caught in the trap of negative self-talk and comparing, beating ourselves up in areas that we seem to have fallen short.  This can become a vicious cycle, which only leads to discouragement, depression, and possibly relapse. So let me challenge you with this exercise… I remember back to when I was approaching my 1-year anniversary in recovery from my Eating Disorder. I was so discouraged, feeling that I should be farther along in the process, wondering when some of my “issues” would no longer be an issue.   I sat in my dietician’s office in tears, feeling defeated.  She suggested we look back over the past year and make a list of the accomplishments that I had made.  So we sat there for the next half an hour, comparing my past and present.  Here is a sampling of that list. By Valerie Cunningham In a recent support group meeting for Eating Disorders, we talked about PROGRESS.   It is so easy to get caught in the trap of negative self-talk and comparing, beating ourselves up in areas that we seem to have fallen short.  This can become a vicious cycle, which only leads to discouragement, depression, and possibly relapse. So let me challenge you with this exercise… I remember back to when I was approaching my 1-year anniversary in recovery from my Eating Disorder. I was so discouraged, feeling that I should be farther along in the process, wondering when some of my “issues” would no longer be an issue.   I sat in my dietician’s office in tears, feeling defeated.  She suggested we look back over the past year and make a list of the accomplishments that I had made.  So we sat there for the next half an hour, comparing my past and present.  Here is a sampling of that list. * I used to be a slave to the scale.... Now I no longer own a scale and know that my significance is not found in a number.  * I used to restrict my food intake.... Now I eat intuitively and honor my body. * I used to micro-manage what my family was eating.... Now I no longer am the “food police.” * I used to say “no” to social activities because of the fear of food.... Now I say “yes” to social functions, and don’t deprive myself of relationship or celebrations because of the fear of food. That assignment was a huge boost in my healing journey.  Now, when I am feeling stuck, I remind myself of this list.  It serves as “proof” that I have made progress.   So the next time you are feeling defeated in your recovery process, or you find yourself caught in the cycle of comparing yourself to others, might you try this exercise?  Documenting your progress can be a powerful tool in your recovery journey. As I walked into the treatment facility, where I would spend the next 60 days, my eye caught a plaque on the wall that read, “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.”  Philippians 1:6.  This has become my life verse.  God is not finished with me yet.   There is a lot more refining that needs to take place. I am a work in progress.   And so are you! 2011-08-08T17:24:00-06:00 http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/wonderfully_made_you_are/ http://truecampaign.org/index.php/site/wonderfully_made_you_are/#When:19:54:00Z On this week’s True Sisterhood Podcast we chat with Allie Marie Smith, founder of Wonderfully Made and author of HEAL (Healthy Eating, Abundant Living), about depression, eating disorders, and learning about God’s great love for us. Special Music: The tunes during our chat with Allie Marie are by her friend Jessica McLean. Check out Jessica’s website at www.jessicamclean.com. Wedding Dress Ideas? In this podcast, Paige announces her engagement to Chris! Don’t forget to email me at constance@truesisterhood.com if you have any ideas for where she can get wedding dresses made for, um, littler gals… On this week’s True Sisterhood Podcast we chat with Allie Marie Smith, founder of Wonderfully Made and author of HEAL (Healthy Eating, Abundant Living), about depression, eating disorders, and learning about God’s great love for us. Special Music: The tunes during our chat with Allie Marie are by her friend Jessica McLean. Check out Jessica’s website at www.jessicamclean.com. Wedding Dress Ideas? In this podcast, Paige announces her engagement to Chris! Don’t forget to email me at constance@truesisterhood.com if you have any ideas for where she can get wedding dresses made for, um, littler gals… 2011-03-23T19:54:00-06:00