TO FEEL OR NOT TO FEEL—THAT IS THE QUESTION

Monday, August 23, 2010 - Comments 4

By Valerie Cunningham

I’ve been thinking a lot about feelings lately.  Feelings really confuse me.  I guess that’s to be expected.  In my family of origin, feelings weren’t allowed.  That’s where the Eating Disorder came into play.  My Eating Disorder told me that if I restricted my food intake or over-exercised that I could numb the feelings away.  So that’s exactly what I did.

It only makes sense then, that after twenty-two years of numbing out, that I would be frozen.  Stiff.  Cold.  Emotionally dead.  So when I entered into treatment and made a commitment to recovery, dealing with the feelings would be the most difficult part.  Not the food, not the necessary weight gain, but the feelings.

Recently, I’ve learned some things about feelings.  First of all, feelings are a natural response --- a God-given gift. Quite often they can be a clue to something bigger, because feelings come out of our needs.  (Arghhh…another one of my struggles --- needs.  We’ll examine that another day.) Next, I must make a conscious decision to be a feeling person, regardless of the non-feeling family I grew up in or any non-feeling situations I may happen to encounter.  Lastly, I need to not be afraid of the feelings.  The more I ignore or try to avoid the feelings, the more intense they become.

Very early on in my recovery, I had someone describe feelings to me in this way:  Recovery is a lot like coming out of a snowstorm in which you developed frostbite.  The minute you step foot in the warmth and safety, you begin to thaw, defrost.  Well, that doesn’t feel good.  As a matter of fact, it hurts, it burns, and it stings.  All you want to do is go running back into the storm and become frozen again. For when you are frozen, you don’t feel a thing.  But if you’ll stay in the shelter, experience the feelings, allow the frost to melt away, you will be alive again. 

One thing I know is that I don’t want to go back into the storm.  It is a dark and lonely place, full of uncertainty.  I want to live in the light and in the truth.  To feel or not to feel --- I’m going to choose to feel.