Monday, March 19, 2012 - Comments 0
By Valerie Cunningham
In an attempt to get back on track with my recovery, I realized that I needed to reverse some decisions that I had made while flirting with ED. (see previous article entitled “Flirting with ED”)
During that time, I had been in the market for some new jeans (that is an entirely different article of its own). I automatically went for the size that I had been wearing, only to find that they didn’t fit as they should. Although a little voice in my head suggested otherwise, I was tempted to try on a smaller size, and when that pair was adequate, I felt myself quickly being entranced by ED’s magical spell. Going against my better judgment – my wise mind – I allowed myself to be persuaded to purchase not one, but two pairs of jeans in a size that I had no business wearing. I justified it (but it’s such a great sale, even if I only wear them a few times it will be worth the cost), qualified it (this is just a case of the fashion industry changing their sizing in a ploy to make us feel better about our bodies), and made every other excuse in the book that this was perfectly acceptable.
Days, even weeks, after the purchase, I continued to be haunted by that still small voice I had ignored in the dressing room that winter day. I felt incredibly guilty over the purchase and knew in my heart of hearts that I had made a huge mistake. I knew better… I really did. What was I thinking? How was this purchase going to help my recovery?
After some solid counsel and encouragement from my dietician, a moment of clarity hit: I needed to return those jeans. I needed to eliminate them from my closet and feel no regret. They weren’t doing me any good. They were a silent lure living on a hanger, only keeping me stuck in my disease.
Thankfully, the jeans had not been worn. And today, there is no trace of them, except for the credit on my little plastic card.
Coming from a gal who loves to shop and loves a good sale, this was the best purchase I had ever made. It taught me an important lesson: size does matter.
Valerie Cunningham is a wife and homeschool mom. She is in her 6th year of recovery from a 22 year battle with anorexia. Currently she leads a support group for disordered eaters at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California.