NUMBERS

Tuesday, September 14, 2010 - Comments 4

By Valerie Cunningham

Numbers.  They consumed me for over two decades.  Numbers on the scale, numbers in the food, numbers on the clothing.  Gratefully, I am no longer a slave to the scale, to food packaging, or tags sewn into my clothes.  But recently, a different number popped up in my life.

In April 2009, I was prompted by God to start a support group for eating and body image issues.  This had been a prayer birthed the day I checked myself into treatment, over 4 years ago:  that God would use my hurts to help others.  Through a connection with Remuda Ranch, I was put in touch with Constance Rhodes and her non-profit organization, FINDINGbalance.  She had a curriculum designed for weekly meetings that fit the plan perfectly. (See the link to her website at the left.)

All of last summer I spent in preparation and prayer for this group.  I had no idea how many women to expect.  When a good friend asked how many I thought would show up, I said, “I don’t know…maybe two, maybe twenty.”

Well that number, twenty, kind of stuck in my mind.  When planning for the room set-up, I ordered for a circle of twenty chairs.  When copying worksheets and handouts, I made twenty copies.  Guess how many women showed up to that first meeting, September 9th, 2009?  You guessed it---twenty!

In the weeks to follow, attendance in the group did not reach the number of that very first meeting.  I experienced extreme feelings of insecurity.  I questioned my leadership abilities. I criticized every word that came out of my mouth and every word that didn’t, and I wondered why in the world was I leading this group in the first place. 

I began to obsess and worry about how many gals would or would not show up. If it was a highly attended night, I was on top of the world.  But if only a few showed up, I was devastated.  My thoughts went something like this:  If they come back, they like me.  If they don’t return, then I have failed miserably.

I was sharing these concerns with my nutritional therapist one afternoon, when it hit me: I was placing my value in a number, just as I had done for those two decades prior.  The number had become my gauge---my way of measuring my success, my value, my worth.  It was as if everything was riding on it, just like it was for those years of stepping on the scale and praying --- literally --- for the number to be my friend.

That afternoon was a turning point for me.  I stopped praying, “Lord, please bring twenty women to the meeting tonight.” (Yes, that had been my prayer.  Doesn’t the Lord say to pray specifically?) And instead, started praying, “Lord, I trust that you have handpicked each woman that will walk through these doors tonight.”

What a sense of relief I had once I released the group and its success to the Lord.  No longer was it up to me. No longer did the number of attendees indicate my effectiveness as the facilitator of this group.  No longer did I have to “perform” perfectly.  No longer did the number matter. 

We just celebrated our 1-year anniversary as a support group.  We are strong.  We are growing.  We are healing. 

Two or twenty.  It’s just a number.

Valerie Cunningham is a wife, home school mom, and worship leader.  She is in her 5th year of recovery from a 22 year battle with anorexia.  Currently she leads a support group for disordered eaters at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California.