A Month Without Makeup - Days 19-26

Thursday, February 26, 2009 - Comments 7

What an incredible, crazy, up-and-down week it’s been since my last posting. You know, God is teaching me so much every day during this experiment that I’m kind of mad at myself for not journaling it at the end of each day. So I’m going to try and summarize here, going day-by-day to jog my memory for the good stuff. It’s long, but split into small chunks. And I decided to do it in chronological order - my brain just works better that way (rather than going backwards from today)…

Day 19
I blogged earlier in the day on day 19, but it was that evening that some big stuff happened. Not “big” as in “exciting” – but big in the sense of what God is teaching me. On the evening of Day 19 (last Thursday) we again had community group. (I posted a pic of this group on Day 5). Guys – I felt TOTALLY ugly that night. It was my third time going to a CG meeting without makeup so you’d think I would have felt totally cool about it, but I didn’t. I just felt ugly. My hair felt greasy, I hated what I was wearing, and I kept my coat on the whole time to cover myself up. I don’t know what it was really – I just felt ugly and like a big fat zit sticking out on someone’s nose. The other women in the group (and some of the guys) joked with me about the experiment, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I just wanted to be done.

That night AJ and I talked for quite a while. “I just don’t like looking boring,” I told him. “It doesn’t reflect who I am.” On and on I went complaining about it all as he listened and encouraged me to keep searching deeper. Finally, I made the statement I’d been trying to avoid. “I just don’t like who I am,” I stated flatly. Yeah. That’s the truth, gals. Down deep in me is a disgust and disregard for who I am when I’m not “polished” and don’t look the way I want to look. Another big revelation: “I just want it all!” I know that God has blessed me with talents and gifts and a pretty decent brain and many other things. Why can’t I look perfect too? That would be the best. I mean, that’s what I’d really like, God…

Um, yeah…

Day 20
One of the most meaningful parts of the day was when I was interviewing my friend, Bill Dallas. We were talking about his new book “Lessons From San Quentin” (which I highly recommend, by the way), for a podcast to appear here later in March. More important than that, though, is that Bill is the guy who made it possible for me to take FINDINGbalance’s website to a new level by adding video (we have over 500 videos) two years ago. Also, incidentally (but not co-incidentally, since there are no accidents to God), that is how my organization first got connected with Remuda Ranch. Which led to this here partnership on True. So, he’s a pretty important guy in my world. And one of the ones I was most afraid of letting see the “real” me.

Near the end of the interview, I decided to venture out there and ask what was really on my mind: “What did you think when you saw me without makeup?” I nervously asked. Man, he couldn’t have given a more encouraging positive response. You’ll get to hear it when the podcast is up but basically he started listing out the reasons he likes me as a person, and none of them had to do with how I looked. It was so touching, and another reminder that those who we are in relationship with – true relationship, that is – don’t need us to look a certain way. It’s “us” they’re after. And “us” is what God created, not some man-made fabrication, at least if we’re being real with the people in our life.

Day 21
We go to church on Saturday nights, and since I had missed one week and taught the other two in the children’s classes, this was my first night to actually walk into church – the main building – sans makeup. My husband and I always sit on the front row, so there I was, no makeup, but actually not too stressed about it. After the service I bumped into someone who knew about the experiment and asked me how it was going. There was another friend there who didn’t know about it so I quickly explained what I was doing. “Oh, I didn’t even notice you didn’t have makeup on,” she said. Wow. Isn’t that weird?

Later that night someone posted on my Facebook:

I was sitting behind you guys tonight at church and though you both looked great. So...I don’t know if you are done with the “no makeup” month...or if you just have a healthy glow...naturally. Way to go Constance!

So… there ya go…

Day 22
It was my last of three marriage workshop sessions I’d been attending w/ AJ and at the end of it someone came up and asked about my work, and if I ever speak to high school students. I told her I did, and then quickly assured her, “And I normally wear makeup.” Just had to get that in there, you know, in case she couldn’t imagine why I would be a relevant speaker without my “face” on and my “look” all in place. Just can’t seem to shake that thing, even here three weeks into this thing. Which got me thinking – I do think there’s something good about being able to wear makeup and to look good, particularly for those of us who are public speakers. If we’re honest, many of us are more likely to listen to people who look the way we want to look, or who can present a professional image. The key, I think, is to be able to strip that away too. Just as easily. That’s the part I need to grow in.

Day 23
Remember my friend Bill Dallas from Day 20? Well He came to share at our Fb Gathering on this night. This meant that he got to see not just a pic of me without makeup, but we also talked for quite a while afterward, so it was a “true” makeup free interaction. As we talked, I realized that there was something different about the way we communicated with each other. For one thing, Bill’s life has been radically changed as God has been leading him out there to publicly share his story of being thrown into San Quentin as a white collar criminal several years back. So there was an honesty and transparency to him that I hadn’t seen before, since our previous dealings had been centered only on business. But I realized that I also felt more transparent – not necessarily that I said (or didn’t say) anything I wouldn’t have before, but I just felt like everything not relevant to the conversation (including an effort to “impress” or “look good”) had been stripped away. I felt more “real” than I had in a long time. It was weird, and I’m still thinking about it.

Favorite quote of this day: “Pain is a privilege,” which Bill shared with our group that night.

Day 24
Nothing exciting or life-changing today. Felt ugly at the mall, but hey, who doesn’t? Hmm…

Day 25
I had a meeting with a man who has been very affirming of me and my work with FINDINGbalance. I mentioned him back on day one or two, actually, because he was one of the first people to see me sans makeup, and was very affirming of that as well. In fact, as we talked yesterday, his first question was about why makeup is such a big deal to us women. He’s a little older, and genuinely confused about all the fuss. I tried to explain it the best I could. Basically, I told him that without it we girls feel naked in a way. Exposed. Later in the discussion we agreed that most of us live with a great fear of some kind – abandonment, rejection, not being good enough. In fact, at one point he asked me straight out, “Did someone do something bad to you when you were young? I just don’t understand why you’re so afraid of rejection…” Hmm… When we concluded the meeting, he hugged me and told me that I could call or email any time, and he will never think I’m a bother and he will never reject me.

What if all of us could give such assurances to the people we love? What freedom could be found! Wow…

Day 26
So here I am, two days until this thing is over. I’m working today on a variety of things – some fun, some boring. On the fun side, I’m trying to schedule an interview for tomorrow morning with Mandy, Jena, and Kelsey, who have participated in the no-makeup challenge this month. (Jena wimped out after 4 days, but hey, many of you guys haven’t even done 1, so I’m still pretty proud of her).  Kelsey and Mandy have actually done the whole month. I can’t wait to talk to all of them. We’ll record it and post it here at the site. Speaking of which, if any of you is a tech-head and wants to help on the admin/production side of podcasts, I’m sure Travis wouldn’t mind the assistance. Now that I found a new way to record these things I’m stacking them up! Will be fun to hear what you think of these great guests, including Mandisa, Bill Dallas, Jerusha Clark, and in March, Sara Groves.

I’ll do another recap probably on Sunday. And I’ll probably have makeup on. Yay! Wonder how that will feel…???