A Month Without Makeup - The Experiment
Sunday, February 01, 2009 - Comments 22
I was profoundly impacted this weekend at the Nashville showing of the critically acclaimed documentary America the Beautiful.
It wasn’t really so much the movie itself. While it certainly took bold steps toward challenging cultural ideals about beauty and identity, and while it made me and the rest of the rapt audience laugh, gasp, and shake our heads in sorrow in certain places, the content wasn’t really that surprising to me, given the work I’ve been engaged in for the last 6 or 7 years now.
In fact, I would imagine that most of us know that images in magazines are airbrushed, that makeup, perfume and plastic surgery have inherent risks, and that our obsession with beauty has led to serious problems such as the ever-increasing rate of eating disorders. While sad facts, we’re used to them. And we’ve learned to live with them.
I’ve learned to live with them. Hmm…
After the showing I had the opportunity to film a couple of interviews with Darryl, and it was our conversation that actually got under my skin the most.
I began the interview chatting lightly about how ironic it was that in spite of my knowledge of the film’s content ahead of time, I had still gone through great pains that day to “perfect” my makeup, hair and clothing for the interview. I had even applied particular mascara which I had misgivings about prior to watching the film – a new product on the market which seems surely to have some funky properties in it given the way it “extends” the length of my lashes with “tube technology.”
I guess I thought Darryl would chuckle along, understanding where I was coming from as someone who is on camera a lot and “needs” to be aware of looking good.
He didn’t really chuckle…
In fact, I got the distinct feeling I had disappointed him. As we continued talking, he said something to me that I think I’ll remember for a long time. “Just think about its name – Make Up. When you put it on, what are you trying to “make up” for?”
Feeling a little uncomfortable, I tried to redeem myself, to redirect the conversation, to get him on my side. “Tell me the truth,” I said, “If I had shown up here for this interview looking – um, without makeup – what would have you have thought? Wouldn’t you have thought I was unprofessional?” His response? Basically that he would have thought I was a confident woman, comfortable in her own skin.
Ouch.
That’s who I want to be, but honestly, friends, that is not who I am. While I’ve made much progress over the years in being able to go out without makeup to places like the grocery store, the gym, and even work and church a couple times, I have to admit I’m pretty addicted to the stuff. And pretty sure that without it my life would take a significant turn for the worse.
The truth is, I feel completely ugly without my makeup on, particularly when it comes to my eyes (they kind of fade away without mascara). And I don’t want anyone outside of my close friends and family to see that ugliness because then they will want to run as far from me as possible. People won’t want to sign me as an author or a speaker. They’ll be less interested in being my accountant or my banker. They’ll think something is wrong with me at church. EVERYONE will be disappointed that I’ve let myself go…
This is the tirade that runs through my head.
So here I am at a crossroads, one that is eerily similar to the one I found myself at in 1999 when I was diagnosed with an eating disorder – a reality I had tried to deny for nearly a decade. (You can read about it in my book, Life Inside the Thin Cage).
Like then, today I have a choice to make. I can continue living the way I have lived, believing that I MUST spend money, time and attention to put my “best face forward” if I want to make any kind of impact and have any kind of respect.
Or, I can choose to do a little experiment and see if life really will come crashing down if I stop wearing makeup. And to learn something about myself in the process.
So… (drumroll please)… I have decided to go a whole month without wearing makeup, starting today, February 1st, 2009. Yes, I mean a whole month, including church, business meetings, the photo on my Facebook page – you name it.
I can tell you right now, this is likely going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, possibly even harder than gaining weight when I needed to. Even now my mind is scrambling trying to prepare myself for the looks of shock and disgust on people’s faces, or worse, a complete lack of interest at all.
Because I know you’ll be interested in how this goes (heck, I would be if I were you), I’m gonna try and post about it here every few days. Including photos… yikes…
Will I give up makeup forever? Probably not. Do I think it’s totally wrong to wear it? I didn’t before meeting Darryl, but now I’m not so sure.
Only time will tell…
PS – I couldn’t get the video of my conversation w/ Darryl digitized in time to upload today, but I’ll have a link to that in the next few days, so be sure to come back and check it out.
Finally, I’m going to be regularly writing about my daily experience. Be sure to check the homepage to find the latest blog.
. I’m sure there are less neutral feelings involved in my decision to not wear make-up (like the fear that I’ll look worse trying to wear it than I do without), but for now, especially as I struggle with the after-effects of an ED, I don’t need to add one more thing to my try-to-maintain list. My little sister thinks I’m “gorgeous” no matter what - I’ll take a 9-year-old’s innocent opinion any day! Maybe she’ll never wear it either.